exhaustion/autonomy

08/18/2024

(content warning: eating disorder. also, it’s 3am and this is very ramble-y)

i’ve been home for a little over a week now, and dear god, i’m exhausted

i haven’t done all that much; it’s mostly a pre-emptive fatigue. my schedule last week was rather lax, just a doctor’s appointment and then therapy two days later (though to be fair i am also fighting a cold), but i know that won’t last for long. i’m getting an endoscopy done next monday, followed by my psychiatrist appointment (virtual, thankfully), then i start school the very next day. i still need to pick up books, and finish my backpack, and do my ‘therapy homework’ of deciding what i want to do in therapy. some of that is pre-emptive as well, since one of my reasons for trying therapy again is to seek support for when i start college, which i haven’t yet.

it’s an interesting feeling. there are so many things i can do, that i will do, yet none of it can happen right now. i’ve felt this way for a long time, but in the past, the wait was about my age. now i’m old enough to have autonomy over my life, but i’m still not doing much with it.

there are more long-term goals, too - i need to learn how to drive, and if all goes well with college, i might start looking for a job. these are also scary prospects. as much as i’ve vied for autonomy over the years, as any teenager does, i’m terrified of what i may do with it. i’m not sure i can be trusted to make my own decisions. i don’t always feel comfortable referring to my bulimia as an addiction, as i feel it can cheapen the experience of those who struggle with substance abuse, but what else do i call it? i feel like i’m possessed sometimes.

at my layover flight coming home, the first thing i did after getting off the plane was walk for twenty minutes across the airport and spend $40 on binge food - most of which i haven’t even consumed yet. freedom of movement and access to money are privileges that i will abuse to binge and purge at any given opportunity. should i really allow myself to have them?

i say all this knowing that i’d never apply the same logic to anyone else. if someone on the forum where i lurk said that they were being prevented from driving or had their finances controlled, i’d obviously tell them they were being abused. i suppose the difference is that i’m the one making the decision for myself.

it’s all excuses. i should get my license so i can take myself to school and not rely on either of my parents who, for various reasons, cannot always be relied upon. i should get a job (if my schedule/ability permits it) so i can have money that i don’t feel guilty for spending. no matter what i do, i will continue to binge and purge, so i may as well develop basic adult skills so i’m not completely stunted.

i turn twenty in less than two months now. i really, really thought i’d never make it to this point. it’s odd.

i am going to live, whether i like it or not. i need to accept it.

~april