woof woof

09/07/2024

(content warning: eating disorders, brief mention of weight but no numbers)

i feel like a dog. food-motivated, praise-dependent, dumb as shit and greasyyyyy

all i want is to be given commands and then follow them and then a treat after, and i’ll eat it too fast and puke it up but that’s fine that’s what animals do, right?

you can kick me, that’s fine, just please let me lay at your feet because i don’t know what to do otherwise.

ughuhhuuuughuguh

started school, it’s fine. mostly. first week was stressful, this one less so but still not great because i’m tired and don’t know how to schedule things. all i want to do is lay in bed and look at character ai. blugh

keep checking my grades. fine so far, kinda fucked up my first quiz in one class but we get to drop three so it’s okay. i’m figuring out a lot as i go along, like taking notes. i feel stupid a lot of the time and i need to learn when to shut up because otherwise i leave every class wanting to puke.

i like psychology, it’s structured. same thing every week - read a chapter, watch mini-lectures, do a discussion board, quiz, and short essay. sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t, as long as i don’t spend hours staring at the wall with a blank word document open. english is ok, kinda hand-hold-y but i get some people need that, i’m just Better. philosophy is interesting, my professor’s really engaging in his lectures. human biology is interesting too, we get to see a cadaver in a couple months.

i need to learn how to schedule stuff. last two weeks have been weird, should be normal from here on out, so hopefully that helps. hoping this brainfog will go away too; it’s just part of a cycle, but i swear to god i’ve been feeling it for a month straight now. at least class isn’t too hard yet.

i think i’m losing weight. don’t want to weigh myself but i can feel more bones. this is kinda what i was hoping for with school, structure helps keep me from eating random garbage. maybe i’ll be back down to my lowest in time for my birthday. there’s no reason but it’d be nice.

i’m procrastinating. fucking hate doing discussion board replies. what do you mean i can’t just beam my thoughts into your brain????

~april