hello, world
08/5/2024
(content warning: eating disorder, mentions of suicide)
i guess now's as good a time as any to finally start writing here
i've been trying to get my life together lately, and with moderate success. the last 2-3 years have been pretty rough; shortly after my 17th birthday, i became convinced that i was going to die before 18, and then i didn't. before that, i always thought i wouldn't live to see my 20s, and here i am, two months away from my 20th birthday. it's an odd feeling, accepting that suicide just isn't an option anymore. i've spent so long planning my own death that i forgot to live, now i have to pick up the pieces.
i finally got signed up for community college classes after putting it off for six months, i found myself a real adult doctor to hopefully treat some of the complications i've had from bulimia, i'm starting therapy again - fuck, it's not much, but i even went to a con last month and knit two whole cosplays for it. the last one i went to was three years ago, i'd been either too busy or depressed to go since. i don't really know what'll happen from here on, but i almost feel... hope?
i'm currently writing from california, where i'm visiting my partner. we spent all day out and about with their friends - got boba, went to this arcade/video game store they're super into, and stopped for food after. then we came back to their house just to hang for a bit. all i've had is a matcha latte, and naturally i feel sick from green tea on an empty stomach, but i'm oddly content.
it's interesting. i tend to fear breaks in my routine, as i'm easily agitated by disruption, but i like this. i get the feeling i could live like this. live off of matcha lattes and protein bars, bake every once in a while and b/p while they're in the shower. i'd lose weight this way (and what's left of my hair, probably)
if i'm honest, i'm more attracted to the idea than the reality. i'll be fine for the rest of the week, but i'd go insane if this became my everyday. still, i enjoy the idea of building this character for myself. skinny, happy, running on empty. that said, i've been branching out with food lately. i discovered a couple months back that i can keep down tofu fried rice, and i find smoothies safe to digest too. if i'm going to school, it's probably a good idea to branch out like this, so i hope i can keep it up.
current safe food list, i suppose:
- protein bars
- black beans (yes, i eat them on their own, do not look at me)
- eggs
- matcha
- tofu
- non-dairy smoothies
not to say that this is all i keep down; i'm not perfect, and i will just graze out of boredom, but i feel comfortable with these things. maybe i'll expand this list. or maybe not. i'm trying to harm-reduce, though that's not to say i'm good at it. maybe therapy will help? i can dream.
i need to write more. whether it's just journaling like this or working on my projects. purgatory is really starting to take shape in my head; each character has a general story and personality now, and i feel like i'm getting to know each of them more with each day. i hope i can introduce them to others someday.
i'll end it here. thank you for reading, if anyone has. i'll try to write again soon :)
~april
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