callous

09/20/2024

(content warning: eating disorder, suicide mention at the end)

for the last two years, i’ve had a callus on my right index finger

i didn’t know why at first. not that i paid it much mind - my hands are covered in all sorts of weird marks, a bit of rough skin isn’t anything to worry about. but it was odd. i do a fair amount with my hands, yet i hadn’t seen anything like it before.

it was only back in may, when i got my wisdom teeth removed, that i realized it was from purging. even when i resumed my behaviors, i didn’t use my hands, as i was afraid of poking the extraction sites. the skin started to peel, meaning the callus was from the side of my finger rubbing up against my back molars.

i’ve never showed many of the physical signs of bulimia. my face is puffy, but it looks no different from when i was younger (despite the fact that i am no longer thirteen and have lost a significant amount of weight). i’ve rarely gotten the dreaded russell’s marks, and on the occasion i have, they’ve faded within days. my teeth are discolored, but not rotting; ironically, i haven’t gotten a single cavity since i started purging.

there are smaller signs - the acne around my mouth from vomit clogging my pores, the permanently inflamed blood vessel in my left eye from strain. these are not things that anyone would recognize as being from my eating disorder.

i’ve taken comfort in my callus. it makes it real. it started to come back when i resumed purging with my hands, but now it’s peeling again.

i have to use gloves when i purge, i can’t stand the feeling of vomit on my fingers. we ran out around the end of july, so i gave it up for a while and switched to ‘hands-free’ purging. this continued while i was on vacation, and when i got home, i started realizing it was more efficient to use my stomach muscles than my gag reflex.

last tuesday, i had my first full binge-purge session that was entirely hands-free. three sessions, no limits on what i ate, flushing to clear each time. each time, i purged quicker than i normally do.

this is probably a good thing. not for my recovery prospects, this is just another sign that purging is getting far too easy and i’m ruining my body, but maybe for harm-reduction. i vomited blood a few months ago, and i’m pretty sure it was from straining while gagging. i won’t have to worry about that anymore, at least.

i still feel like i’m losing something. i’ve always felt alienated from most ed narratives - i never had a major restrictive phase, i’ve barely had any treatment, i’m thin but not emaciated, i don’t drink black coffee or eat rice cakes because they’d both trigger my acid reflux, and i can eat ten times what most of edtwt reports as their daily intake. this used to bother me a lot more when i was younger.

i’ve since found comfort in the label of bulimia, but now i’m losing my connection to the aesthetics of it. i don’t kneel, have no connection to toilets, and now i’ve lost any practical use for my hands. i barely have a gag reflex anymore, purging with my fingers is more trouble than it’s worth. it’s dumb, but these visual shorthands are important to me. i don’t know how to write about it otherwise.

this is something i struggle with when i’m thinking about writing any fictional depiction of bulimia. it’s hard to balance authenticity with my tendency to self-censor. some of this is necessary; no one needs to know my weight or caloric intake, but sometimes it’s stifling. how do i write about purging in a way that’s honest without accidentally creating a how-to guide?

i doubt i could give tips on hands-free purging if i wanted to, it’s mostly a result of my acid reflux. my esophageal sphincter is fucked, so i can tense my abdominal muscles and release my stomach contents. you can’t really teach that, it either happens or it doesn’t. but there’s still that part of me that worries even mentioning it could send someone down a spiral. flushing is a similar beast, albeit much more dangerous as it’s more easily imitable. yet it’s a major part of my purging process, and a major source of the health issues i’ve experienced from bulimia. sigh.

i wish i was the only person who had an eating disorder. mostly bc Am Specil but also i hate dealing with this. curse my stupid morals

anyway, life update: someone in one of my classes has covid. they came back to class today even though they still have a cough - masked, but still. i couldn’t help side-eyeing them when they pulled it down to drink water. it feels irresponsible, though i know i’m more militant than most.

i’m negative so far, but all we have are antigen tests, so i’m not sure. i still mask in all public spaces and i upgraded to laianzhi KN100s a couple months back, so i’m hoping that’s enough to protect me. i doubt covid would kill me, but if my health takes another major hit i will kill myself.

i wish people still took this seriously

~april