a severing

2/7/2026

(content warning: eating disorder, self-harm + suicide mentions)

getting dumped two weeks before valentine’s is certainly something

i’d been planning dates and gifts, all the while they were apparently charting their exit. i should’ve realized sooner, but i was blindsided, especially since they chose to drop the news on me at midnight while i was drunk and suicidal. i don’t think it’s cruelty so much as thoughtlessness, just like many of our other issues. they act impulsively and i get burned.

i feel used and dirty and disgusted, mostly with myself. i am aware this isn’t reality, yet i can’t help thinking that they just threw me away the second i was more than a sex partner and unprofessional therapist, like my only purpose was being a sponge to soak up their emotions and/or cum, faking orgasms and giving a shoulder to cry on. all i really wanted was for them to sit with me, pay attention to the things i showed/told them, just be there; i’m torn as to whether that’s too much to ask, though that doesn’t matter much. they’re never going to give it to me.

i’m still processing it all. i feel hurt and bitter and angry and yet, if they asked me to take them back tomorrow, i’d have to think about it for a good few minutes. it should be an automatic no, a “you are either unable or unwilling to communicate, commit, give me the consistency i need, and have shown me repeatedly i cannot trust you on basically anything, so go to hell if you think you’re getting me back that easy,” but it isn’t. i think that says more about me than anything else, honestly.

part of me still wants to think this could be a right person, wrong time situation, though maybe i’m naive. we moved way too fast and both got burned in the end; i hope i’ve learned my lesson, though likely not. maybe i should’ve dipped back in december. maybe i should just text them and ask if we can talk. i’ll never know.

mixed signals doesn’t even begin to describe how it felt. they told me to come to them, then apparently i sent them back into a spiral once i did. they said they wanted to know what they could do, and even when i made an entire list, my suggestions were implemented for maybe a couple days before they started blowing me off to play video games again. i can’t tell if i’m just stupid or if there really was no way for me to tell. i’d asked so many times for them to be direct, and they agreed, then this.

while i’m feeling generally awful, things have trended upward since they left. i’m less stressed, resting heart rate’s below 80 for the first time since mid-december, still drinking but the amount has cut in half with no effort on my part, and i don’t think i’ve cried once since the day after. of course, i’m not sleeping well nor eating much, but i guess that’s status quo by now.

one good thing is that i’ve reconnected with C, my first partner, over this. things have been awkward between us for a while but i feel like we’re getting back to a more standard friendship, and i’m endlessly grateful for it. i felt strange asking for their support given i put them through the same thing, but they’ve been great. even just texting helps. it’s all too easy for me to slip back into isolation otherwise.

they told me they’d come by on monday evening to pick up their things, and nearly a week later, it’s been radio silence. it’s petty, yes, though i refuse to text first, nor am i going to bring it to them. i’m so tired of chasing after someone who doesn’t even seem to know what they want, so they’ll have to come by themself to get their hoodies back. i won’t throw them away, but i’m not going out of my way either. i can be a little toxic as a treat, right?

...even just saying that makes me want to cut again. ugh. ocd is so logical and fun and cool

~april