moving on

11/4/2026

(content warnings: mild TMI, sex, past-tense mentions of eating disorder)

whew, what a summer

so, big shocker, i ended up undergoing another round of intensive treatment since the first time didn't stick all that much in me. we had ups and downs as per uze, including the time i got caught purging in the most embarrassing fashion possible (don't ask, it was horrendous), but i think i came out the other side better for it. sure, i'm 99% sure my original dietitian couldn't give a shit about me no matter how far i went with my behaviors nor cried in front of her, but fuck it, she's out on maternity leave now, it doesn't even matter

now back down to IOP once more, struggling to piece my life together yet slowly finding some semblance of meaning. had a crush on a cute girl from the farmers market, turned out she was too old for me, then i impulsively redownloaded hinge and met the sweetest guy on the face of the planet so maybe that's okay. we've been steady since halloween and i feel better about it this time around - doubts linger as is the nature of OCD, i've convened with my therapist and concluded it's likely intrusive thoughts trying to ruin what little good i have

he kind of almost let the L-word slip today, which is very early, though honestly... hm. i might be here for it. not actually saying it - i like him, i wouldn't call it love yet though it could certainly progress to that stage - but the sentiment behind it. i like not being the only one tripping over their own feet for once. he's a sweetheart, understands what consent is which is more than i could say for A, okay with kids someday maybe, what else do i need?

i've already thought it out in my head, and i'd like to take his last name if that was okay. it's really pretty in my defense, sounds like the word melody. i wouldn't mind having that as opposed to my overly long, aggressively german given surname. wouldn't mind giving my kids that name either

i worry about sex, because i always worry about sex - haven't gone further than making out yet, i can feel it affects him and i worry about being a tease, worry about my own ability to perform certain acts on account of vaginal atrophy + sensitive gag reflex. he says he's alright with waiting, though i worry nonetheless. he's open enough that i could just ask him and expect a reasonable reply, yet i hesitate. linger, linger, linger, rumination is so fun

i'm just some weirdo with bad teeth and worse skin. i don't know if it's better or worse if he doesn't realize that before it's too late. better for me to say the least, though i question what it's like in the grand scheme of things. i can never just let anything be, can i? everything must be holistic. it's frankly quite pretentious

none of that matters - he liked the pokemon i crocheted for him, and my hoodie still smells a little of his apartment, so i'm going to wear it to bed even if i overheat. that's enough for me

~april