growing up

4/16/2025

(content warning: eating disorder, but hopeful for once? ish?)

i’ve been eating breakfast consistently for a little over a month now

it feels silly to admit that i was twenty years old when i realized that it’s a good idea to eat in the morning. the whole ‘most important meal of the day’ thing is just advertising, don’t get me wrong, but i do genuinely feel better now that i’m not waiting 6+ hours from the time i wake up to actually eat something. initially, my justification was that my meds kill my appetite in the morning, and while that’s true, it’s not really an excuse. i may not feel hungry, but i do get unfocused, irritable, fatigued, etc. i still need to eat.

i didn’t stop eating breakfast until i was sixteen or so, around the time my binge-fast cycle started. even in my brushes with rigid intermittent fasting, i’d still eat within a few hours of waking up, but once the goal became to go as long as possible, that naturally stopped. from there, i just didn’t take up the mantle again. at first, i think i hoped that i could go back to fasting, and eventually it just became routine to not eat until late in the day. some part of me knew it wasn’t helping, yet i stuck to it anyway. that can be said for many things i do.

technically, i’ve been an adult for 2.5 years now. 30 months, however many weeks or days (i’m not calculating). it hasn’t felt real until recently. i think school helps, gives me some sense of direction and responsibility whereas i’ve previously had none, though some of it is just soul-searching. i’ve mentioned it before, but i didn’t think i’d make it to this point for a while, and then i did. it’s still a bit surreal, though it’s starting to feel permanent now.

i’m still stunted in a lot of ways. i don’t like using the term trauma, even though i’ve been diagnosed with PTSD in the past, but i think that’s why. going through mental health crises in your formative years gives you a weird sense of time - i feel both beyond and behind my peers in so many ways. it’s hard to care about seemingly petty social problems when you’re starving yourself and acting as emotional support for the rest of your family; i felt above it all for a little while. but what you don’t realize then is that those problems are training wheels for real interpersonal conflict. skipping over them has left me floundering in otherwise benign social situations now, and i’m not sure how to make up the distance.

i think about it a lot in the context of dating. i’ve been in one relationship since i was twelve, so i don’t really know how it all works. the way my partner and i got together was that i had a breakdown at 3am and told them i liked them through a skype message (side note - i feel so old for remembering skype). that’s not something i’d like to repeat should i seek another relationship, for obvious reasons. i don’t believe it’s nearly as endearing coming from an adult as a literal middle schooler.

i’m experienced in long-term relationships, the stages where you relax and don’t worry so much, but i have no idea how things work in the early days, especially in-person. what’s appropriate to share? what would i keep to myself? am i deceptive if i’m not upfront with everything? if someone i don’t know asks me out, should i go ‘hey btw i’m a guy’ or is that incredibly weird???

i’m overthinking. none of this is actionable, but it’s in my head a lot lately. i don’t know what i want to do and i feel bad for my partner. i’m not sure if i’m in love anymore, i can’t see a future for us, and i feel like i’m leading them on. i want to wait until things have calmed down a bit before i say anything to them, but it’s eating me up in the meantime. i just need to make it to the end of the semester and it’ll be fine. same as last time.

i’m procrastinating an essay, if you can’t tell. it’s especially silly - i like the topic! i want to write this!! but my brain simply won’t comply. i’m off my adhd medication at the moment due to shortages, so i’m a bit of a zombie mentally-speaking. it’s not going to come out how i want it to, and i’m sure my grade will be fine, but i’m going to be personally dissatisfied with my work. i have so much i want to say and no ability to articulate. it’s disappointing.

~april