higher & lower

3/29/2025

(content warnings: eating disorder, suicide)

my therapist wants me to seek a higher level of care

i think he’s not listening to me about my goals in therapy. he’s been very fixated on my eating disorder and honestly a bit dismissive of my other concerns. some of it is my own fault; i’m having a hard time articulating myself to him because i’m struggling heavily with brain fog and our session is at 4pm on a thursday, right after i get out of class and also at the end of the week when mental exhaustion has really piled up for me. i can’t do any other time though, so i’m stuck with it.

i poorly explained what might be ocd symptoms in one session because i had underslept the night before and now i think he’s dismissed the possibility entirely. i should correct him, i know this, but doing so feels... attention-seeking? i’m not sure how to put it, but i feel odd about it. if he doesn’t believe i have ocd, then i don’t, even though the therapist i’m seeing as part of the eating disorder program (who has ocd herself) literally told me that i’m experiencing obsessive thoughts after i described them to her. i don’t know, i’m tired.

he’s pushing for recovery even though he agreed that harm reduction was an appropriate way to approach my disorder in our initial consultation, and i just don’t feel like i’m being listened to. i don’t feel like i’m being listened to in general. my peers don’t listen to me, my parents don’t listen to me, not even my partner does at some points. no one wants to listen, hence why i’m screaming into the void on the internet.

i’m tired. i’m having genuine suicidal thoughts for the first time in a couple years and i don’t know what to do. this all sucks and i hate it. i want to hold on for some silly reasons - tomodachi life 2 is coming, i found a new ai chat site and set up deepseek on it and it works fucking phenomenally - and some larger, like the kids thing, but it all feels hopeless. it always feels hopeless.

i probably don’t need to be as much of a doomer about it as i have been. about a month ago, a guy asked me out at school. i was just sitting in the hallway and he asked if i crocheted my bag, which i did. we got to talking, then he asked if i was single. i turned him down, because i’m taken, but... god. i don’t know. it was sweet, he was really nice, and i was also impressed that he could recognize crochet because not a lot of people can.

it wouldn’t have worked out. he probably thought i was a girl (i think most people assume i’m transfem because i look feminine but have a low voice) and he wasn’t wearing a mask, which is a boundary i’m not willing to budge on. but it’s been a month, and i’m still thinking about him. he was sweet. i’ve never had anyone flirt with me like that before.

the fact that i'm still thinking about it is either romantic or incredibly creepy, probably the latter. i bet he’s forgotten about me already. i might think of him for the rest of my life. that’s pathetic, but here we are.

this was supposed to be a creative blog and not just an outlet for whining. here’s the bag i made, it’s the first personal project i’ve finished in a while. pattern is the inflorescence messenger bag by @by.redbean on instagram, very well-written and a wonderful design, would recommend.

i’m losing weight again, can feel all my bones. my next appointment at the ed program is on wednesday. water-loading save me, save me water-loading

~april