sinner

11/26/2025

(cw: eating disorder, ocd guilt spirals (does that necessitate a warning?))

does the unending, intrinsic feeling of filthiness ever end? asking for a friend

i am fully showered and yet i still feel disgusting. the rot isn’t external - it comes from inside me, something deep in my gut that i’ve never been able to purge no matter how hard i try. maybe i’m not trying hard enough. maybe if i tore open my throat that would excise the feeling.

i’m being unreasonable yet again. it’s my stupid hormones, i know i’m about to get my period, but it’s still here. i masturbate and hate myself for it, i use ai roleplay as a substitute for human contact and hate myself for it, i see instagram posts telling me i’m lovebombing and hate myself for it, i spam my partner with reels for attention and hate myself for it, i think about telling them i’m lonely and hate myself for it. i guess i just hate myself, really. that’s the central theme here.

they’d want me to communicate, i know they would, so why is it so scary? trauma is the obvious answer yet it also feels like such a cop-out; my PTSD diagnosis doesn’t matter, it’s not an excuse to act like a toddler. i want them to read my mind but they can’t and it sucks. what do you mean i have to use my words?

i feel so stupid for it. these are all things we’ve talked about, i understand the correct course of action intellectually, but i can’t make myself do it. i’m always going around in circles: we establish boundaries regarding sex (it is a normal topic 100% fine to discuss), then i immediately fall back into old patterns of feeling dirty for thinking about it. i do a year of college, then go straight back to fearful avoidance. i start to eat a little more, then slip up and suddenly i’m losing weight again.

i’m full of contradictions. i need a certain amount of alone time but i’m also constantly lonely. is this how i spend every moment, wishing i was doing something else? that’s how it used to feel with my eating disorder. while binging, i wished i was restricting. when i was restricting, all i wanted was to binge. no matter what, i’m unhappy.

i’m thinking about relapsing. not for any specific reason, though that lack of rationale is kind of the driving force. yes i’m ‘better’ but also i’m not, so what’s the point? no, i don’t want to purge, i just don’t know what to do with myself when i’m not. bulimia was my identity for over three years. who am i without it?

i have sinner by car seat headrest stuck in my head, a song from an album that came as a bonus download from buying a different album on bandcamp but only for a limited time. metaphor for internalized homophobia, probably, but i always interpreted it through the lens of bulimia; “i only get on my knees to puke” hits different for me. the ocd guilt likely plays a role in my love for the piece as well. i wasn’t raised religious, i do not believe in heaven nor hell, yet i’m certain i will be condemned when my time comes. i deserve it.

i am going to read this in a few days and think i sound fucking ridiculous, and i’ll be right, but in this moment, this is how i feel. i wish i didn’t

~april