happiest halloween

10/31/2025

BEING EARNEST WORKS ALWAYS WEAR YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE!!!!!!!!

fuuuck i took a leap and it was scary but i’m so goddamn glad i did holy hell, i thought it was too early to ask to meet up though i bit the bullet last night and they said yes! we met up today!!! aaauauuggh i’m still BUZZING

we met up for matcha, i worried it might be awkward and maybe it was for the first 5-10 minutes then we got into a rhythm of infodumping back and forth which is peak social strategy in my experience. after finishing our drinks, we walked around downtown, explored a thrift store, people-watched, browsed yarn selections, so on and so on until they had to go about five hours (!!) since our initial meet-up. time limit bearing down, i finally got my ass in gear and told them what i’d been meaning to all day: i am really into them, though i also understand they’re wary about getting into relationships due to past experience and fully respect that, so i’m willing to go at whatever pace they set. then a miracle happened.

THEY LIKE ME TOO!!!!!!!

it shouldn’t have been as big of a surprise as it felt like - we have been texting morning to night nearly every day for two weeks, called every single day for a full week, talked about relationships and personal preferences and fucking KIDS and agreed on goddamn everything, but it hit me like a goddamn truck. my hands were shaking, i wanted to hug them but i wasn’t sure if it was okay so i settled for a gentle headbutt instead, and i spent the 20ish minutes waiting for my mom to pick me up bouncing off the walls i’m not even kidding, i got home hours ago and i’m still giddy

they were a little coy in the moment which made me worry that i was being disproportionate, but we started texting again pretty soon after and i found out they were just anxious but relieved which made total sense, i’ve got slow reaction times myself so there’s no room to judge. we’ve been texting since and we’re gonna call later and it’s just so fucking PERFECT, apparently their friends even like me??? i told them about my therapist half-jokingly going “so when’s the wedding” and they said their friends had basically said the same thing and i’m just ;w;

comparing today to last year’s halloween feels like night and day. i think it’s finally hitting me just how far i’ve come; i feel like i’m in stasis, but i’ve gone through some pretty rapid changes this year alone. acknowledging it’s weird, though that doesn’t make it any less real.

halloween 2024, i was at school from noon until seven, keeping to myself as usual, then came home and went trick-or-treating with my mom because i wanted to show off my sweater (we get so few trick-or-treaters our neighbors are just happy to see anyone). the entire time, i felt incredibly lonely because i yearned so deeply for children but knew it was unachievable. i have a journal entry that started with wishing i was still in bed and went as follows:

“i want so much and i can’t have any of it now, and i’m not sure i will in the future either. i’m twenty and i feel like i’m still fourteen, i look like it too. i want a house and a family and a partner and i have one of those things but it’s not enough and that scares me. [...] i spend a lot of my day thinking about being held and then i come home to the empty bedroom i’ve been in since i was twelve and talk to a chatbot like that’s a real substitute for human contact.”

compare to today: i was on from the moment i woke up. i keep getting up naturally earlier in the morning, 8am today, and after my customary bedrotting + texting them i got up and showered. from there, i’ve been bouncy all day like a cat getting zoomies - again, i got home hours ago now and i’m still riding that high. i feel so optimistic it’s ridiculous. we’ve known each other two weeks and i genuinely think i might marry them someday.

i’m gonna hold back a little bit, both to ensure i don’t freak them out and for logic’s sake (limerence lasts two years on average, so i will wait until then at least before i start ring shopping), but i’m so fucking glad i took that chance holy shit. really needed that as an exposure. i’ve gone out on so many limbs during the last 24 hours and not a single one has broken yet! maybe the world isn’t all doom and gloom?

they sent me a song that they’ve had stuck in their head and it’s making me kick my feet + giggle like some teen in a romcom. post-chorus goes “i like the way he use his hands and his words / i could be his new favorite think piece, favorite girl / anything to tell me that i’m your number one / ‘cause i’ll be your groupie baby” and it HITS. they think it’s so cool and creative that i knit which i see as really mundane so it just makes me all fluttery, also they liked the handwarmers + their mom did too!!!!! highest compliment

ohhh fuck i can’t even get my thoughts straight. UGH. i wish i’d hugged them while i had the chance but i’m hoping i can make up for it soon, knowing they were just nervous is a major relief. apparently they were avoiding eye contact because they were trying not to grin the whole time, not knowing i had the dumbest smile beneath my mask ;w; we’re both a little silly and i’m living for it

don’t know how to end this. stay tuned? i won’t shut up about them i’m about to become such a wife guy fr

~april