is this allowed?

10/25/2025

(tw: eating disorders; very light and kind of recovery-focused?)

i think i’m happy and it’s so fucking weird

i downloaded hinge impulsively a week ago - my therapist and i had been discussing dating again, and eventually, it seemed like just putting myself out there was the best way to get started. maybe it wouldn’t lead to anything, but it’d give me some practice, right? hone my social skills, which is direly needed given the autism and isolation.

i received my first match that same evening in the form of a very cool transfem enby on the same wavelength of neurodivergence as me. we hit it off near instantly, moving to discord in minutes so we could send each other cat photos, and we’ve texted almost every day from morning to night since then. i got them into my favorite game series which they’ve loved so far, and i even traumadumped without them running in the opposite direction.

this is above and beyond any dating experience i could’ve anticipated, and while i hate to sound like a fanfic-trained LLM writing awful prose, i fear they’ve ruined me for anyone else. conversation just flows so naturally with them that everyone else on hinge seems boring by comparison, i don’t even *want* to match with other people - it seems so draining. they aren’t draining. they’re just good.

it’s way too fucking early but i want to delete the dating app and go all in. i’m such a sap that i’m already daydreaming about our wedding when we haven’t even met in-person. every time i get anxious i’ve said too much or i’ll scare them off, they surprise me by being so goddamn perfect it feels unreal - i brought up kids on impulse by sending them a reel of a crochet baby onesie and they want it too. they want to be a mom they just SAID that it fucking blew my mind, i just feel like not wanting children is the norm in trans circles but maybe i’m biased i’m not sure. god. fuck.

they’re just so sweet and considerate and perfect, we’re into the same categories of things but in different directions so we can introduce each other to new stuff while also bonding over other things, we did a blend on spotify and our taste profile was 87% which they said was higher than they’ve seen with most people, just. UGH. maybe i’m being superstitious but it feels like everything’s aligning, we’ve known each other a week but they feel like everything i want and more and fuuuck i got all teary earlier because they said that wanting to get better for the future me was one of the bravest things they’d ever heard. god.

in other news, i think i tripped and recovered from bulimia?i haven’t binged and purged in over six weeks and i have very little desire to do so. it’s almost anticlimactic if i’m honest, it was my most severe behavior for the longest time and then it just... stopped. i realized it would make me feel worse if i did it with a migraine, so that broke the routine, then i had no urge to start the compulsion again.

i’m not recovered from all behaviors, mind you - i’m likely still restricting though i have been eating more, and i do purge on occasion (less than once per week! fucking wild), plus i haven’t gained any weight, though this stability is new. it’s disconcerting, if i’m honest. i’ve hinged so much of my identity on being bulimic that i don’t know how to define myself now that i’m certainly not. anorexia still feels wrong. eating disorder is woefully vague. i shouldn’t identify with mental illness at all, yet it carries necessity. perhaps moving past that is my next step.

just friends. i need to tell myself that. we are just friends for now and i do not want to rush things, though jesus i want them. i don’t know if it’s love but i could definitely fall in love with them, and even if this never goes beyond platonic i think that’s a good sign. all of my good friends have been people who, in another life, i think i could’ve loved in the all-consuming sense. hope for the best prepare for the worst, i suppose.

the gauntlet continues. another migraine, then a cold, and now i’m on my p*riod. sigh. whatever i’ll keep making handwarmers for them

~april